Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
