My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
