we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
