So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
