We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
