im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
