College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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