I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
