he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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