Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
