I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
