Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
