Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
