I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize