Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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