i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
false alarm, still single
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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