1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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