Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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