I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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