I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
