I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
