I faked an abortion last night.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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