I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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