woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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