the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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