That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize