It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
