sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
