I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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