I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
