New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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