i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my shit smells like andre
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
