i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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