I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
