I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
