I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
