ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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