How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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