I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
