That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
