Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
