The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I smell like Dick and happiness
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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