make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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