I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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