There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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