He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
