It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
