I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
