i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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