My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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