Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
