my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
