So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
