so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
