Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
