i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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