im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
