Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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