got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Randomize
