Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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