worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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