i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
